dealing with disappointment

Remember this post? Where I publicly announced the fact that I applied to grad school? Where I talked about needing calculus to be in the program and therefore starting my series of calculus gem and test anxiety posts? Well, I found out last week that I did not get accepted into the program. Boo.

old picture of a “boo” face I don’t have bangs right now- though seriously considering them

I know it is a very competitive program at a very competitive university. I know that the fact that I was taking calculus instead of already having it may have counted as a strike against me and so could the fact that I hadn’t secured any funding. A lot of factors go into being accepted or rejected from graduate programs and I know that I’m “good enough and smart enough”…but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a huge disappointment. It was really the biggest major rejection of my life so far (what can I say- I’ve been lucky!), so it was definitely a tough blow. And can I just mention that I found out a day and a half before a calculus exam? Yeah, double boo. But, I think that so far, I’ve dealt with the disappointment pretty well and here’s how I’ve done it.

Step 1- I cried.
No choice in the matter really…it was something that I was really hoping for and it didn’t come through. So I had my own little private pity party and had a good cry. (and once that was over, I told my husband so that he could feel sorry for me and join my pity party once he got home from work)

Step 2– I closed the books.
As I mentioned, I had a calculus test later that week and had some studying to do- which is hard and can be an exercise in frustration because I find calculus hard. I just wasn’t in a place where studying would be effective or that studying was even remotely a part of what I wanted to be doing. So I took the evening off. Sure- studying that night may have helped me get a slightly better mark, but I ended up doing just fine on the test (take THAT stupid university that rejected me) and I definitely needed that evening off.

Step 3– I looked for the silver lining.
Since one of my goals this year is to remain positive no matter what life throws at me, I started to look at what the good things about not being accepted into the program. It means I’ll have a “real” salary next year instead of a student salary and it means we might be able to buy a condo instead of continuing to rent. There is an important family event happening in October and not being in school means it is more likely that I’ll be free to be there. It also means I won’t stress myself into a pile of craziness as I try to adjust into full time student life. It still sucks to get rejected, but there are some good things about not going to school.

These are bachelorette party shots, not drowning my sorrows shots. I did not drink this much, don’t worry

Step 4– I drank.
Yes, that’s right- I drowned my sorrows in a big ole glass of wine and I stand by that decision 🙂

Step 5– I told people.
Misery loves company and telling everyone means that they are all there to support me. I’ve often felt like a giant failure when things haven’t gone my way and have been almost afraid and embarrassed to tell people. Maybe it is a sign that I’m an adult that telling people sucked only because it meant that I knew they’d be sad for me, not disappointed in me. Plus, telling people leads to more of Step 4, because we all love to drink our failures away 🙂

The post-it speaks the truth

Step 6– I made the decision to still kick some ass.
Why make the decision to be miserable about it? I still have to finish this calculus class and I had to take the test. I had a conference presentation to do on April 4th. I have projects to do well at work. I have races to run…I have all sorts of life ass to kick without the program. Despite the disappointment, life goes on. While I do plan to contact the program to see how I can improve my application for next year, who knows- maybe it just isn’t a good fit for me. I just have to go forward with the confidence that things happen for a reason. A door just closed, but I know that somewhere, a window was thrown open for me. I just need to find that window.

So there you have it- my steps to dealing with disappointment. It sucked, I cried, but all will be ok. (Even though I still have to learn calculus)
How do you deal with disappointment? What always makes you feel better?

back at it

Well, I’ve been back from Vermont for a few days now but haven’t quite had the time or energy to post. I think I’m good now.

I guess I’ll start with the bad news first which was that on Sunday the 7th, my grandmother died. She had been suffering from Alzheimer’s* for quite some time, but fell and broke her hip in May. This made for a rapid downturn. It was strange though because I talked with my dad on Saturday and he mentioned that they had taken her off all of her medications except for the pain meds. When I asked if I should head down there within the next few weeks, he said that I didn’t have to worry immediately and should plan for the summer because the doctors figured she had about 6 months. The next day he called me with the news that 6 months had turned into about six hours. So it was kind of shocking, but kind of not.

That started a frenzy of activity that had actually started on Saturday when Jordan and I bought a car. YAAAAAY! After going 4 years without one, we are now with one. We ended up getting a 2009 VW City Golf (who has yet to be named). We are quite happy with it- especially because we ended up spending quite a bit less than we thought we would. Anyway, the frenzy was to try to get the car (which could not be picked up without insurance) in time to travel to Vermont for the funeral and all the accompanying activities. Since we bought one in stock (and got a rebate because of that- another yay) it was possible, but we almost hit a snag with insurance. Since neither of us had been insured in Ontario before AND no longer had our Alberta driver’s licence numbers, we had a bit of an issue. Luckily, we had some connections and someone was able to look that up for us (THANK YOU!)…so we were able to pick it up in time to drive ourselves AND my mother down to Vermont.

We were also able to drive ourselves to an apartment that we were looking at…but ended up not taking it because we weren’t sure about space and also I was just unable to make another decision at that point.

So why do we need a new car and a new apartment? Because Jordan got a contract as a professor at a university that is 3.5 hours away. Hooray for a job! (the market is pretty tough right now) But it means having an apartment here (it doesn’t make sense for me to leave my job since for now the job is only one year) and one there. He’ll be teaching Monday to Thursday (most likely) so he’ll be there for that part of the week and here for the rest of the week.

So yes, things are a little chaotic around here right now…so if I lose the capability to use complete sentences and paragraphs, please forgive me.

I managed to take some pictures on a really beautiful run in VT last week though- so stay tuned for those. Until then, check this out…a great idea. I’ll have to get out my post-it notes.

*(and on the Alzheimer’s note, I’ll be hatching a wacky plan in the next few months to try to raise some money with my family…so hopefully i can make it work and tell you all about it)

just in case you didn’t already know

…being sick sucks.

is it spring yet?

I know that winter arrived late this year, but I’m pretty much done with it already. I’m sick of the cold. I’m sick of the snow. I’m VERY sick of the salt (in fact, I’m thinking of sending my dry cleaning bill to the City of Ottawa). I’m done with winter. I’m done with having to dress in multiple layers, carry hats and scarves and mittens and extra shoes…I don’t like that the bottoms of my pants are wet every day, that my socks get wet even when I wear my big boots. Enough already.

I think I’ll find a nice cozy spot to hibernate. Can someone come wake me when the snow melts?